Sometimes biscuts are better.

yeah so ive decided not to actually put anything else up about films etc like i was before, i might put up the odd post for a film i like or some music, more so the music, but i think for a bit im just going to write about personal things here because its easier to get them off my chest..

So at the moment my life has been turned upside down, im supposed to be a dad but its not happening, im doing everything i can but i feel its just not good enough to be let see her, ive gotten legal support and ive been offered 2hrs twice a week.. i dont want to be some sort of glorified baby sitter, its not even enough hours to be a part time dad.. ive told the solicitor that i want to either see my girl every day for about a hr or every second day for like 3hrs.. i know because the mother is a cunt this isnt going to happen, i would also like to become a legal guardian of her because i would like to play an important roll in her life and be a part of decisions that make a diffrence to her.. not just be as i said a babysitter.. its been 2 months since i seen her last, that makes her 4 months old, the baby officially has no physical or emotional bond with me anymore and when or if im allowed to see her again ill be a total stranger to her, i really dont thaink thats fair on me or her, she wont know any diffrent but its going to tear me apart knowing that something i should have the most amazing bond with is going to take strange to me.. if i dont have guardianship i really dont have a leg to stand on either..

ive weighed up my options and im just waiting on how the furute turns out.. the answer from the solicitors, look into my feelings and my heart, im already crazy enough inside my own head, i really think it will be super unhealthy for me to be put in that situation, and it wouldnt be fair on a baby to have a sick father due to the stress of the situation at hand.. i mean, would it really be so bad if i left? she has no bond with me, yeah i do for her otherwize i wouldnt be stuck at this point in my life. but at least she wont get hurt..

ive got places all over the world, theres only one id rather be right now and that place knows it.. but id feel so guilty if i left, could i have done better? have i done enough? i dont really care about it but what will people say.. what will she tell people? i know what its like to grow up without a father, it didnt really bother me at the time, but now i know how fucked up i am because of it.. ive spent the last few nights crying myself to sleep thinking about the heartache i could cause if i stay.. the trouble, i guess i could look at both options and call them both selfish.. so then i ask people for advice.. plenty of them have looked at what im going through, some of them have been in the exact same position and have spent tens of thousands to try get somewhere but this fucking country and its justice and law system are so old and church influanced that it got them no where.. most have said im doing all i can and that it dosent look good, others are saying hang on till the end.. but what if i do hang on till the end.. whos going to be there to help me pick up the pieces? because thats the liklyhood, having a baby that has a grandfather thats agenst me.. and the grandfather has influances over others due to him being an ex cop.. then theres the 2 uncles that are cops.. im not even looking for anyone to respond to this.. how the fuck would you find it anyways, i just need to get things out of my head before i explode.. i guess thats a little bit of whats going on inside my little broken mind..

i dont feel much better at all.. but i guess ill keep writing and see if it works, im jsut taking a leaf from this girls blog i seen.. she knows who she is if she ever sees this.