Anxiety - another gift from you to me.

today i realized that ive a habit of seeing things that aren't.. romanticizing situations and thinking they are more than what they actually are, in saying that im glad i experienced the times but its not healthy to see further than you can and try predict the future, today is a low, im reflecting on an emil i sent to my mother, about everything that going on in my life, about things that have happened in the past, feelings that have been brewing and her answer was that she feels shes not a good parent and shes sorry, ultimatly i never asked to be here to go through the shit life has to throw at you, i never asked to join the table and have cards delt to me but im not one for backing down, people come to me with their problems, they ask me for help and for advice.. usually it works out for them and they are greatful, even if they never say so i understand that they are, but what gets me is when its my problem, its me that cant answer my own problems, i cant sort out my own life or give myself advice, where are the people with the good advice and help i need when im struggling?

Jack Daniels is a good companion when your feeling low, it warms you up and it feels like theres something or someone wrapped around you like a blanket keeping you warm, slowly releasing the grip in your chest thats stopping your breath, Anxiety is a strange one, it is a physiological and psychological state characterized by cognitive, somatic, emotional and behavioral components, they are combined to create an unpleasant feeling that is typically associated with uneasiness, apprehension or worry. Its a normal reasction to stress in life, especially those that have more than just your average run of the mill stress bouts in life.. In general i think i have an anxiety disorder..

what is someone supposed to do when they cant see their kid, cant eat, cant sleep, dont want to interact with friends, cant sort out their own problems but can sort out everyone elses? cant get their head around their once in a lifetime job and feel like they havent made any progress at all? go to the doc? take some pills and hopefully it will make it all better? Im trying to write things down and get them off my chest.. it seems to be doing the job, but its only temporary.
How do you fill that void you have, that someone once filled, and throughout your life youve been looking for something or someone to fill the gap? and when you meet someone but its not what the other party wants and you havent the heart to say anything because it would cause undue preassue and distroy a friendship.. what does one do there? theres so many questions that i can never answer by myself, i know there are millions more people out there that go through whet im going through day in day out without tellin a soul, but some people just cant take it and have to talk, some people seek professional help, then there are some that try write down whats going on in their head and still feel like they are rotting from the inside out.

the jack is just finished.. i guess for now so am i.

The Assassinators 2 Albums

THE ASSASSINATORS - DEMO SONGS EP

This new upcoming band from copenhagen rocks all the way! theydeliver us 6 danceable, catchy, and melody driven songs with a beautiful female voice. The 6 tracks sounds like a perfect mix between all those hip k-town punk bands (NO HOPE FOR THE KIDS, GORILLA ANGREB) and the french anarcho-punk legend LA FRACTION.

www.myspace.com/theassassinators

tracks:
01. sandholm
02. naar voksne leger
03. mens verden flyver
04. under blodsroede skyer
05. universets parasitter
06. regnvejr


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THE ASSASSINATORS - S/T 7"

tracks:
01. foerste tag i resten af mid liv
02. blaa blink
03. natten braender
04. alting gaar i sort

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Download Both At:

http://rapidshare.com/files/181934294/the_assassinators.rar

In Crust We Trust.

today i made it to work, a bit down in myself again but i actually put some effort into drawing which suprized my boss.. he wasnt expecting much from me, ive been working on the one drawing all day, for some reason i keep drawing faces, they look simular to the easter island faces but ive pulled them out of shape a bit, a bit like my mood, its coming along nicely tho so i cant complain about it, i also finalised what i want to get tattooed on my fingers, its a bit hard to explain, its ogham, an anchent celtic script, its not going to be in the traditional under the main knuckle space.. im going to put it under the middle knuckle and it can only be read when the fingers are interlinked.. i cant find anything that is simular on the internet so when i get it, if i take a pic ill post it up..

the drawing is staring back at me and isnt finished,
its like my decisions in life.. so as im drawing i guess im going to think hard, but i wont have an answer till i get a letter in the door, that might be a few weeks from now.
im trying to relax and cheer up a bit but im in bits with anxiety.. drinking a bit of tea to help me calm down..

also.. i never want to eat baked beans again.

im outa here.

who said that....

i hate the fact that i look into things too much, i notice things, read them or just read people the wrong way sometimes, i guess its because im expecting to be let down.. i guess its a pretty ill way to look at things, but sometimes i cant help it, then i tend to catch myself at it, get annoyed with myself and realize im telling myself off.. really.. i think theres someone else in my head with me.. i gess it aint so bad if im ever lonley then hahah. but sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming and well.. scarey..

listening to capdown 6-8-1.

Easpa Measa

Fucking amazing anarcho-crust-punk from Dublin..

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=87953932
http://www.easpameasa.cjb.net/

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Easpa Measa - Renounce&Dethrone Demo (2004)



Tracks
01 inferior
02 dead inside
03 plastic joy
04 morrigan song
05 non-issue
06 maggots&worms

160 kBit/s
27,31 MB


http://rapidshare.com/files/106853373/EasMeas_Reno-dethro.rar.html

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Easpa Measa - Easpa Measa (2002)

Tracks
01 Welcome To Slavery-balderdash
02 You Stole My Life
03 On Deaf Ears
04 The Beauty Myth
05 Anomie
06 Easpa Measa
07 Life Laid Aside
08 Failte Mo Thoin
09 Agab
10 Better Dead Bastard
11 The Buckfast Song

128 kBit/s
35,90 MB


http://rapidshare.com/files/154643126/EaspMea_EaspMeas.rar.html

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Easpa Measa - Maggots & Worms


Tracks
01 Worms And Maggots
02 Dead Inside
03 You Stole My Life
04 Welcome To Slavery-Balderdash
05 On Deaf Ears
06 The Beauty Myth
07 Anomie
08 Easpa Measa
09 Life Laid Aside
10 A.G.A.B.
11 Better Dead Bastard
12 The Buckfast Song
13 Inferior
14 Morrigan Song
15 Failte Mo Thoin
16 Plastic Joy

128 kBit/s
55,40 MB


http://rapidshare.com/files/154645849/EaspMea_MagoWo.rar.html

Tell me to leave me alone.

Unless you've died like all my friends
Hearts ripped out and lies begin
If it were up to me id rewrite history
Broken bones would heal and living be free
Your life's so great, its so complete
And i cant even fall asleep.

If it were up to me id rewrite history
comb my hair and look so sweet
I can change nothing.
I feel blind inside.

Sometimes biscuts are better.

yeah so ive decided not to actually put anything else up about films etc like i was before, i might put up the odd post for a film i like or some music, more so the music, but i think for a bit im just going to write about personal things here because its easier to get them off my chest..

So at the moment my life has been turned upside down, im supposed to be a dad but its not happening, im doing everything i can but i feel its just not good enough to be let see her, ive gotten legal support and ive been offered 2hrs twice a week.. i dont want to be some sort of glorified baby sitter, its not even enough hours to be a part time dad.. ive told the solicitor that i want to either see my girl every day for about a hr or every second day for like 3hrs.. i know because the mother is a cunt this isnt going to happen, i would also like to become a legal guardian of her because i would like to play an important roll in her life and be a part of decisions that make a diffrence to her.. not just be as i said a babysitter.. its been 2 months since i seen her last, that makes her 4 months old, the baby officially has no physical or emotional bond with me anymore and when or if im allowed to see her again ill be a total stranger to her, i really dont thaink thats fair on me or her, she wont know any diffrent but its going to tear me apart knowing that something i should have the most amazing bond with is going to take strange to me.. if i dont have guardianship i really dont have a leg to stand on either..

ive weighed up my options and im just waiting on how the furute turns out.. the answer from the solicitors, look into my feelings and my heart, im already crazy enough inside my own head, i really think it will be super unhealthy for me to be put in that situation, and it wouldnt be fair on a baby to have a sick father due to the stress of the situation at hand.. i mean, would it really be so bad if i left? she has no bond with me, yeah i do for her otherwize i wouldnt be stuck at this point in my life. but at least she wont get hurt..

ive got places all over the world, theres only one id rather be right now and that place knows it.. but id feel so guilty if i left, could i have done better? have i done enough? i dont really care about it but what will people say.. what will she tell people? i know what its like to grow up without a father, it didnt really bother me at the time, but now i know how fucked up i am because of it.. ive spent the last few nights crying myself to sleep thinking about the heartache i could cause if i stay.. the trouble, i guess i could look at both options and call them both selfish.. so then i ask people for advice.. plenty of them have looked at what im going through, some of them have been in the exact same position and have spent tens of thousands to try get somewhere but this fucking country and its justice and law system are so old and church influanced that it got them no where.. most have said im doing all i can and that it dosent look good, others are saying hang on till the end.. but what if i do hang on till the end.. whos going to be there to help me pick up the pieces? because thats the liklyhood, having a baby that has a grandfather thats agenst me.. and the grandfather has influances over others due to him being an ex cop.. then theres the 2 uncles that are cops.. im not even looking for anyone to respond to this.. how the fuck would you find it anyways, i just need to get things out of my head before i explode.. i guess thats a little bit of whats going on inside my little broken mind..

i dont feel much better at all.. but i guess ill keep writing and see if it works, im jsut taking a leaf from this girls blog i seen.. she knows who she is if she ever sees this.