Yesterday i leave amsterdam, i had been here for 8 days for my birthday and loved every min of it, partys, people, squats, pubs, squatting action that turned a little nasty because it turned out the house was belonged to some sort of morrocon mafia..
5 mins after the squatting action there was a screech of a car and 2 guys jumped out, we gathered around the door about 20 strong making sure they couldnt get near. A small fight broke out and it took over 15 mins for the cops to arrive. when they did more and more of the gangsters arrived and starting causing trouble.. the cops said we were within our rights to squat the house and that the "owners" would have to take it easy and probably start legal proceedings.. this didnt sit very well with them, as more and more of the gangsters arrived we all went into the house, in total about 30 of us were inside..
so after about a hour of being inside and the cops were keeping the gangsters in order although they were shouting they were going to kill us while we sleep and that they are going to shoot us etc without a care regarding the cops, we left under the watch of the police and the people that whated to keep the house stayed in.
we went to a meeting point and had a talk about the situation and that they needed more barracades, about a hour later 5 of us went to get barracades and the others took a detour to the house, we met on the corner and like a flash mob we ran around the corner, everyone pushed the cops and the gangsters back and we got the barracades in the door and the door was shut before anyone knew what was actually happening.. there was a cheer from the windows and we cheered back, then there was the ring of sirens in the air, we started to walk, we had gotten about 150meters away from the house and the cops arrived looking confused because we wernt resisting or trying to start trouble. great success..!
we went back to the meeting point, we decided that we were going to have a noise demo but first we were to go past the house and to either make some noise there or just make it known that we are a strong force, a city wide alarm was sent out, people came to the meeting point and after a quick head count i think we were about 100 strong..
When we got to the house people inside wanted to leave for whatever reason.. the cops were back in their cars but were close, there was some of the gangsters at the door and we told them we are going to move them if they dont move because people want to leave etc.. they said it wasnt going to happen, we forcefully started to move them.. a surge of about 100 people moving only 3 or 4 gangsters because the others ran into the solvennrs shop next door for protection. One guy started screaming he was going to shoot and tryed to get his hand into his jacket, the owner was visably a bit shook at the amount of people that were there and the reaction and revolt against the so called gangsters. he started to lash out at some of the bloc. he was attacked and beaten in the face by one or 2 of the people in the surge of more and more people pushing.
a few secong laster the cops got in the middle of everything with their batons, there was a bit of confusion from all sides, it was unclear if the cops were there to stop us, to stop the gangsters or both of us, i dont think the cops knew either, they paused for about 20 seconds screaming with their batons drawn, the owner lashed out again and he was hit a few blows in the head from one of the people in the demo. the cops started bashing people, one of the people in the bloc was struck in the face first, he fell to the ground screaming, in trying to get him out of harms way we were beaten by a hail of batons, i was hit in the hand and arm, when i turned my back to try push the injured guy back after we got him off the ground i was sruck in the shoulder once or twice, other people were hit in the head or arms..
when i looked back half of the group had dissapeared down the roud in fear of being hit, we started to run back from the cops.. they started to run after us and hit anyone that was close to them, one guy was repeatidly beaten but he just walked with a smile screaming "i cant feel anything"
as more and more cops arrived the chief started screaming at other officers who were thinking they were robocop on a mission to kill.. they formed a line and started to charge us, we ran back around a corner past shops and restaurants that were quickly shutting doors and blocking windows,
and then, the cops stopped.. they watched us go around the corner and didnt come after us, they watched from a distance to see what would happen next..
we went back to the meeting point and had a disscussion, the guy that was struck in the head was brought to hospital, it turned out that one guy had been arrested and that many people were injured but not so bad.. we decided to have our noise demo at the cop station where the guy was being held, the media came down and recorded us, we smashed paving slabs and bashed them on street lights, threw them across the river trying to hit the cop station unseccessfully.. we let of some fireworks and just made as much noise as possible. The cops arrived with dogs but didnt come near us, they just watched from a distance.. after that we went back to a squat and hung out for a bit talking about the few hours of actions we had.. it was a nice day.. the house is still ours, the owner has written a death threat to the people inside the house and still has people outside it trying to intimadate.. but in the end they will either be violent or start legal procedings.
as for ryanair.. i went to get my flight, i checked in online 2 days before my flight, got a train to eindhoven, then a bus to the airport, when i went to check in they said i didnt check in online although i had it printed out, apparentally it wasnt on the system. they wanted 40 euros from me to let me bored the plane, i only had ten.. so i couldnt afford it, i only had 10 left. i jumped the bus back to the train station but in the middle a inspecter got on and threw me off.. i got the next bus but bought a ticket, i got to the train station an found that the train was going to cost me 18euro from eindhoven to amsterdam central..
i had 7 euros.. i spent the next 2 hours at the station pan handling and begging for money.. i got enough to get to central, i got on the train and just before utrechet there was a problem with the train, they thought it was on fire, it turned out to be a brake that got stuck and was smoking really bad. we were taken off the train at utrechet and put on another train.. it brought me to schipol airport and from there they wanted me to pay another 4 euros to get to central eltho i had already payed my fare. wankers.
i had to panhandle another 3 euros.. i got the train and made it back to central by 11pm.. i started traveling that day at 1pm.. i left eindhoven airport at 4.. got my first train back towards amsterdam at 6:10.. and arrived at 11pm.. it was horrible.
now im here and have booked to fly home on the 2nd. grrr.. i hate ryanair.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
stiches for snitches.
2 more days and i leave my footprint behind, ill have marked most people here, or at least most of the people that ive stayed with, if there was ever a place that felt more like home than my own bedroom.. this place is it, no one cares about how you look, your bad habits, infact alot of them are encouraged, eating trash for example, theres nothing i like more than to reuse peoples waste especially if it means i get a huge meal from it for free.
where im living in ireland theres not many places one can go dumpster food, infact its pretty tough, ive a few places on my list to check now that i think of them, the smaller shops in housing estates usually have a wall and the dumpster is behind it. sounds like fun no? :P
lyin here in this sleeping bag on richies bed, hes gone to berlin to study a bit of farming, i didnt even get to say goodbye to the chap, completely diffrent from when he was growin gup, he used to be a complete drunk punk, dont get me wrong theres nopthing wrong with that, just alot of the time it leads down the road to disaster.. now hes completely eco minded and trying to be as self sufficiant as possible. (then i came along and kinda fucked it up for him one night when i got into a mess and convinced him to)
every night ive been here ive been drinking, not the best of ideas but its so cheap here you can get wasted on 10 euro if you try.. now how can one turn down an offer like that?! im waking up without hangovers as well.. thats a bad sign now isnt it? or maby im just drinking some naturally brewed beer and havent realized it..
if i didnt have a big fuckin reason to go home id for sure live here, it dosent take much to move over and open a house, just find the history and a few other things and then crack that door. its more like family over here, im going to be sad leaving everyone, in my own way i care alot for them, alot of them id give up blood for in every sence of the word.
fuck me, its nearly 4pm. ive to go tattoo..
peace.
where im living in ireland theres not many places one can go dumpster food, infact its pretty tough, ive a few places on my list to check now that i think of them, the smaller shops in housing estates usually have a wall and the dumpster is behind it. sounds like fun no? :P
lyin here in this sleeping bag on richies bed, hes gone to berlin to study a bit of farming, i didnt even get to say goodbye to the chap, completely diffrent from when he was growin gup, he used to be a complete drunk punk, dont get me wrong theres nopthing wrong with that, just alot of the time it leads down the road to disaster.. now hes completely eco minded and trying to be as self sufficiant as possible. (then i came along and kinda fucked it up for him one night when i got into a mess and convinced him to)
every night ive been here ive been drinking, not the best of ideas but its so cheap here you can get wasted on 10 euro if you try.. now how can one turn down an offer like that?! im waking up without hangovers as well.. thats a bad sign now isnt it? or maby im just drinking some naturally brewed beer and havent realized it..
if i didnt have a big fuckin reason to go home id for sure live here, it dosent take much to move over and open a house, just find the history and a few other things and then crack that door. its more like family over here, im going to be sad leaving everyone, in my own way i care alot for them, alot of them id give up blood for in every sence of the word.
fuck me, its nearly 4pm. ive to go tattoo..
peace.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
nothing added but time.
All is well in the mind, being away again has helped me come to terms with plenty of conflicts ive had within myself, mainly with the mother land, now im happy enough to return knowing that everything is going to work out and the things that bothered me before have been solved, partially the reason to return i guess, life here is so cheap and easy, living for free, enjoying great meals with amazing people, the scene here is much more alive than most scenes ive seen in years, not only are they good friends but they are like a family, sometimes that can cause a lot of personal issues which ive seen first hand, its not the "anarchist way' to settle down and get into a relationship, so theres alot of open sex and free love so to speak, but comes with it are peoples emotions and jealousy.. well we are only human, you cant close yourself off from all feelings.. it seems the younger generation of the scene have a better handle of that side of things mainly because they are young and not many of them are that politically involved in groups and or the scene.. still though, its great to see so many people getting along :)
soon to go home, its going to be great to finally sign the papers and see my little squirrdle, today i seen a picture of her and shes so big, shes changed alot, i just really hope and i guess its my bigges fear that she hasn forgotten me, only time will tell i guess, i have all the time in the world now..
so much time on my hands now after loosing my job, loads of questions like what am i going to do with all my spare time, i can spend only so much of it with my wee one and after that i was really wondering what im actually going to do, after going to a few workshops here and speaking to some really super cool people, ive decided i want to fix up the garden for the summer so i can play with my baby there, that and because it will be a nice place to hang out and perhaps have a few cans with some people and socialize.. i want to make the house cut down on waste, compost as much of what i can and recycle and reuse.. that will take some time but again ive all the time in the world, also i want to goto dublin a bit and hang out with so many people that i was once close to and have now drifted, theres a few people in particular.. just before i left i had some food with someone and something was telling me not to go or to at least get in touch when i get back so thats the plan anyways.
soon to go home, its going to be great to finally sign the papers and see my little squirrdle, today i seen a picture of her and shes so big, shes changed alot, i just really hope and i guess its my bigges fear that she hasn forgotten me, only time will tell i guess, i have all the time in the world now..
so much time on my hands now after loosing my job, loads of questions like what am i going to do with all my spare time, i can spend only so much of it with my wee one and after that i was really wondering what im actually going to do, after going to a few workshops here and speaking to some really super cool people, ive decided i want to fix up the garden for the summer so i can play with my baby there, that and because it will be a nice place to hang out and perhaps have a few cans with some people and socialize.. i want to make the house cut down on waste, compost as much of what i can and recycle and reuse.. that will take some time but again ive all the time in the world, also i want to goto dublin a bit and hang out with so many people that i was once close to and have now drifted, theres a few people in particular.. just before i left i had some food with someone and something was telling me not to go or to at least get in touch when i get back so thats the plan anyways.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Anxiety - another gift from you to me.
today i realized that ive a habit of seeing things that aren't.. romanticizing situations and thinking they are more than what they actually are, in saying that im glad i experienced the times but its not healthy to see further than you can and try predict the future, today is a low, im reflecting on an emil i sent to my mother, about everything that going on in my life, about things that have happened in the past, feelings that have been brewing and her answer was that she feels shes not a good parent and shes sorry, ultimatly i never asked to be here to go through the shit life has to throw at you, i never asked to join the table and have cards delt to me but im not one for backing down, people come to me with their problems, they ask me for help and for advice.. usually it works out for them and they are greatful, even if they never say so i understand that they are, but what gets me is when its my problem, its me that cant answer my own problems, i cant sort out my own life or give myself advice, where are the people with the good advice and help i need when im struggling?
Jack Daniels is a good companion when your feeling low, it warms you up and it feels like theres something or someone wrapped around you like a blanket keeping you warm, slowly releasing the grip in your chest thats stopping your breath, Anxiety is a strange one, it is a physiological and psychological state characterized by cognitive, somatic, emotional and behavioral components, they are combined to create an unpleasant feeling that is typically associated with uneasiness, apprehension or worry. Its a normal reasction to stress in life, especially those that have more than just your average run of the mill stress bouts in life.. In general i think i have an anxiety disorder..
what is someone supposed to do when they cant see their kid, cant eat, cant sleep, dont want to interact with friends, cant sort out their own problems but can sort out everyone elses? cant get their head around their once in a lifetime job and feel like they havent made any progress at all? go to the doc? take some pills and hopefully it will make it all better? Im trying to write things down and get them off my chest.. it seems to be doing the job, but its only temporary.
How do you fill that void you have, that someone once filled, and throughout your life youve been looking for something or someone to fill the gap? and when you meet someone but its not what the other party wants and you havent the heart to say anything because it would cause undue preassue and distroy a friendship.. what does one do there? theres so many questions that i can never answer by myself, i know there are millions more people out there that go through whet im going through day in day out without tellin a soul, but some people just cant take it and have to talk, some people seek professional help, then there are some that try write down whats going on in their head and still feel like they are rotting from the inside out.
the jack is just finished.. i guess for now so am i.
Jack Daniels is a good companion when your feeling low, it warms you up and it feels like theres something or someone wrapped around you like a blanket keeping you warm, slowly releasing the grip in your chest thats stopping your breath, Anxiety is a strange one, it is a physiological and psychological state characterized by cognitive, somatic, emotional and behavioral components, they are combined to create an unpleasant feeling that is typically associated with uneasiness, apprehension or worry. Its a normal reasction to stress in life, especially those that have more than just your average run of the mill stress bouts in life.. In general i think i have an anxiety disorder..
what is someone supposed to do when they cant see their kid, cant eat, cant sleep, dont want to interact with friends, cant sort out their own problems but can sort out everyone elses? cant get their head around their once in a lifetime job and feel like they havent made any progress at all? go to the doc? take some pills and hopefully it will make it all better? Im trying to write things down and get them off my chest.. it seems to be doing the job, but its only temporary.
How do you fill that void you have, that someone once filled, and throughout your life youve been looking for something or someone to fill the gap? and when you meet someone but its not what the other party wants and you havent the heart to say anything because it would cause undue preassue and distroy a friendship.. what does one do there? theres so many questions that i can never answer by myself, i know there are millions more people out there that go through whet im going through day in day out without tellin a soul, but some people just cant take it and have to talk, some people seek professional help, then there are some that try write down whats going on in their head and still feel like they are rotting from the inside out.
the jack is just finished.. i guess for now so am i.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
The Assassinators 2 Albums
THE ASSASSINATORS - DEMO SONGS EPThis new upcoming band from copenhagen rocks all the way! theydeliver us 6 danceable, catchy, and melody driven songs with a beautiful female voice. The 6 tracks sounds like a perfect mix between all those hip k-town punk bands (NO HOPE FOR THE KIDS, GORILLA ANGREB) and the french anarcho-punk legend LA FRACTION.
www.myspace.com/theassassinators
tracks:
01. sandholm
02. naar voksne leger
03. mens verden flyver
04. under blodsroede skyer
05. universets parasitter
06. regnvejr
-------------------------------------------
THE ASSASSINATORS - S/T 7"tracks:
01. foerste tag i resten af mid liv
02. blaa blink
03. natten braender
04. alting gaar i sort
-------------------------------------------
Download Both At:
http://rapidshare.com/files/181934294/the_assassinators.rar
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
In Crust We Trust.
today i made it to work, a bit down in myself again but i actually put some effort into drawing which suprized my boss.. he wasnt expecting much from me, ive been working on the one drawing all day, for some reason i keep drawing faces, they look simular to the easter island faces but ive pulled them out of shape a bit, a bit like my mood, its coming along nicely tho so i cant complain about it, i also finalised what i want to get tattooed on my fingers, its a bit hard to explain, its ogham, an anchent celtic script, its not going to be in the traditional under the main knuckle space.. im going to put it under the middle knuckle and it can only be read when the fingers are interlinked.. i cant find anything that is simular on the internet so when i get it, if i take a pic ill post it up..
the drawing is staring back at me and isnt finished,
its like my decisions in life.. so as im drawing i guess im going to think hard, but i wont have an answer till i get a letter in the door, that might be a few weeks from now.
im trying to relax and cheer up a bit but im in bits with anxiety.. drinking a bit of tea to help me calm down..
also.. i never want to eat baked beans again.
im outa here.
the drawing is staring back at me and isnt finished,
its like my decisions in life.. so as im drawing i guess im going to think hard, but i wont have an answer till i get a letter in the door, that might be a few weeks from now.
im trying to relax and cheer up a bit but im in bits with anxiety.. drinking a bit of tea to help me calm down..
also.. i never want to eat baked beans again.
im outa here.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
who said that....
i hate the fact that i look into things too much, i notice things, read them or just read people the wrong way sometimes, i guess its because im expecting to be let down.. i guess its a pretty ill way to look at things, but sometimes i cant help it, then i tend to catch myself at it, get annoyed with myself and realize im telling myself off.. really.. i think theres someone else in my head with me.. i gess it aint so bad if im ever lonley then hahah. but sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming and well.. scarey..
listening to capdown 6-8-1.
listening to capdown 6-8-1.
Easpa Measa
Fucking amazing anarcho-crust-punk from Dublin..
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=87953932
http://www.easpameasa.cjb.net/
******************************************
Easpa Measa - Renounce&Dethrone Demo (2004)
Tracks
01 inferior
02 dead inside
03 plastic joy
04 morrigan song
05 non-issue
06 maggots&worms
160 kBit/s
27,31 MB
http://rapidshare.com/files/106853373/EasMeas_Reno-dethro.rar.html
*******************************
Easpa Measa - Easpa Measa (2002)
Tracks
01 Welcome To Slavery-balderdash
02 You Stole My Life
03 On Deaf Ears
04 The Beauty Myth
05 Anomie
06 Easpa Measa
07 Life Laid Aside
08 Failte Mo Thoin
09 Agab
10 Better Dead Bastard
11 The Buckfast Song
128 kBit/s
35,90 MB
http://rapidshare.com/files/154643126/EaspMea_EaspMeas.rar.html
*******************************
Easpa Measa - Maggots & Worms
Tracks
01 Worms And Maggots
02 Dead Inside
03 You Stole My Life
04 Welcome To Slavery-Balderdash
05 On Deaf Ears
06 The Beauty Myth
07 Anomie
08 Easpa Measa
09 Life Laid Aside
10 A.G.A.B.
11 Better Dead Bastard
12 The Buckfast Song
13 Inferior
14 Morrigan Song
15 Failte Mo Thoin
16 Plastic Joy
128 kBit/s
55,40 MB
http://rapidshare.com/files/154645849/EaspMea_MagoWo.rar.html
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=87953932
http://www.easpameasa.cjb.net/
******************************************
Easpa Measa - Renounce&Dethrone Demo (2004)
Tracks
01 inferior
02 dead inside
03 plastic joy
04 morrigan song
05 non-issue
06 maggots&worms
160 kBit/s
27,31 MB
http://rapidshare.com/files/106853373/EasMeas_Reno-dethro.rar.html
*******************************
Easpa Measa - Easpa Measa (2002)
Tracks
01 Welcome To Slavery-balderdash
02 You Stole My Life
03 On Deaf Ears
04 The Beauty Myth
05 Anomie
06 Easpa Measa
07 Life Laid Aside
08 Failte Mo Thoin
09 Agab
10 Better Dead Bastard
11 The Buckfast Song
128 kBit/s
35,90 MB
http://rapidshare.com/files/154643126/EaspMea_EaspMeas.rar.html
*******************************
Easpa Measa - Maggots & Worms
Tracks
01 Worms And Maggots
02 Dead Inside
03 You Stole My Life
04 Welcome To Slavery-Balderdash
05 On Deaf Ears
06 The Beauty Myth
07 Anomie
08 Easpa Measa
09 Life Laid Aside
10 A.G.A.B.
11 Better Dead Bastard
12 The Buckfast Song
13 Inferior
14 Morrigan Song
15 Failte Mo Thoin
16 Plastic Joy
128 kBit/s
55,40 MB
http://rapidshare.com/files/154645849/EaspMea_MagoWo.rar.html
Tell me to leave me alone.
Unless you've died like all my friends
Hearts ripped out and lies begin
If it were up to me id rewrite history
Broken bones would heal and living be free
Your life's so great, its so complete
And i cant even fall asleep.
If it were up to me id rewrite history
comb my hair and look so sweet
I can change nothing.
I feel blind inside.
Hearts ripped out and lies begin
If it were up to me id rewrite history
Broken bones would heal and living be free
Your life's so great, its so complete
And i cant even fall asleep.
If it were up to me id rewrite history
comb my hair and look so sweet
I can change nothing.
I feel blind inside.
Sometimes biscuts are better.
yeah so ive decided not to actually put anything else up about films etc like i was before, i might put up the odd post for a film i like or some music, more so the music, but i think for a bit im just going to write about personal things here because its easier to get them off my chest..
So at the moment my life has been turned upside down, im supposed to be a dad but its not happening, im doing everything i can but i feel its just not good enough to be let see her, ive gotten legal support and ive been offered 2hrs twice a week.. i dont want to be some sort of glorified baby sitter, its not even enough hours to be a part time dad.. ive told the solicitor that i want to either see my girl every day for about a hr or every second day for like 3hrs.. i know because the mother is a cunt this isnt going to happen, i would also like to become a legal guardian of her because i would like to play an important roll in her life and be a part of decisions that make a diffrence to her.. not just be as i said a babysitter.. its been 2 months since i seen her last, that makes her 4 months old, the baby officially has no physical or emotional bond with me anymore and when or if im allowed to see her again ill be a total stranger to her, i really dont thaink thats fair on me or her, she wont know any diffrent but its going to tear me apart knowing that something i should have the most amazing bond with is going to take strange to me.. if i dont have guardianship i really dont have a leg to stand on either..
ive weighed up my options and im just waiting on how the furute turns out.. the answer from the solicitors, look into my feelings and my heart, im already crazy enough inside my own head, i really think it will be super unhealthy for me to be put in that situation, and it wouldnt be fair on a baby to have a sick father due to the stress of the situation at hand.. i mean, would it really be so bad if i left? she has no bond with me, yeah i do for her otherwize i wouldnt be stuck at this point in my life. but at least she wont get hurt..
ive got places all over the world, theres only one id rather be right now and that place knows it.. but id feel so guilty if i left, could i have done better? have i done enough? i dont really care about it but what will people say.. what will she tell people? i know what its like to grow up without a father, it didnt really bother me at the time, but now i know how fucked up i am because of it.. ive spent the last few nights crying myself to sleep thinking about the heartache i could cause if i stay.. the trouble, i guess i could look at both options and call them both selfish.. so then i ask people for advice.. plenty of them have looked at what im going through, some of them have been in the exact same position and have spent tens of thousands to try get somewhere but this fucking country and its justice and law system are so old and church influanced that it got them no where.. most have said im doing all i can and that it dosent look good, others are saying hang on till the end.. but what if i do hang on till the end.. whos going to be there to help me pick up the pieces? because thats the liklyhood, having a baby that has a grandfather thats agenst me.. and the grandfather has influances over others due to him being an ex cop.. then theres the 2 uncles that are cops.. im not even looking for anyone to respond to this.. how the fuck would you find it anyways, i just need to get things out of my head before i explode.. i guess thats a little bit of whats going on inside my little broken mind..
i dont feel much better at all.. but i guess ill keep writing and see if it works, im jsut taking a leaf from this girls blog i seen.. she knows who she is if she ever sees this.
So at the moment my life has been turned upside down, im supposed to be a dad but its not happening, im doing everything i can but i feel its just not good enough to be let see her, ive gotten legal support and ive been offered 2hrs twice a week.. i dont want to be some sort of glorified baby sitter, its not even enough hours to be a part time dad.. ive told the solicitor that i want to either see my girl every day for about a hr or every second day for like 3hrs.. i know because the mother is a cunt this isnt going to happen, i would also like to become a legal guardian of her because i would like to play an important roll in her life and be a part of decisions that make a diffrence to her.. not just be as i said a babysitter.. its been 2 months since i seen her last, that makes her 4 months old, the baby officially has no physical or emotional bond with me anymore and when or if im allowed to see her again ill be a total stranger to her, i really dont thaink thats fair on me or her, she wont know any diffrent but its going to tear me apart knowing that something i should have the most amazing bond with is going to take strange to me.. if i dont have guardianship i really dont have a leg to stand on either..
ive weighed up my options and im just waiting on how the furute turns out.. the answer from the solicitors, look into my feelings and my heart, im already crazy enough inside my own head, i really think it will be super unhealthy for me to be put in that situation, and it wouldnt be fair on a baby to have a sick father due to the stress of the situation at hand.. i mean, would it really be so bad if i left? she has no bond with me, yeah i do for her otherwize i wouldnt be stuck at this point in my life. but at least she wont get hurt..
ive got places all over the world, theres only one id rather be right now and that place knows it.. but id feel so guilty if i left, could i have done better? have i done enough? i dont really care about it but what will people say.. what will she tell people? i know what its like to grow up without a father, it didnt really bother me at the time, but now i know how fucked up i am because of it.. ive spent the last few nights crying myself to sleep thinking about the heartache i could cause if i stay.. the trouble, i guess i could look at both options and call them both selfish.. so then i ask people for advice.. plenty of them have looked at what im going through, some of them have been in the exact same position and have spent tens of thousands to try get somewhere but this fucking country and its justice and law system are so old and church influanced that it got them no where.. most have said im doing all i can and that it dosent look good, others are saying hang on till the end.. but what if i do hang on till the end.. whos going to be there to help me pick up the pieces? because thats the liklyhood, having a baby that has a grandfather thats agenst me.. and the grandfather has influances over others due to him being an ex cop.. then theres the 2 uncles that are cops.. im not even looking for anyone to respond to this.. how the fuck would you find it anyways, i just need to get things out of my head before i explode.. i guess thats a little bit of whats going on inside my little broken mind..
i dont feel much better at all.. but i guess ill keep writing and see if it works, im jsut taking a leaf from this girls blog i seen.. she knows who she is if she ever sees this.
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